Jesus is Good, Even in 2020
By: Missionary Team
The beginning of 2020 found me in a rough place.
I’ve always struggled with trust, but in fall of 2019 I found myself in the worst season of desolation and distrust in Jesus I’d ever experienced. While my prayer life had been fruitful over the summer, suddenly it was like talking to a brick wall. Where I’d once known His presence in prayer, there was nothing. Changes were being made in my life as a missionary, and I felt that I had no foundation to ground myself. I continued to pray, hoping for a breakthrough. Advised to talk to Jesus about how I felt through the experience, I poured my heart out in my prayer times. Throughout the autumn, I continued to cry out to Him to no avail. I was giving as a missionary, as an older sister to the women in the community, and giving my heart to Jesus, but wasn’t being filled. I attempted to keep my spirits up by looking forward to future activities and tours with my team, but, slowly, those excitements began to not work out. Busy season for the ministry began, and my workload increased. As winter crept in, I found myself buried in work, dejected, and quickly giving up on Jesus.
After a peaceful Christmas break, 2020 began, and I got worse. Dejection turned into despair, and I mentally gave up. Survival mode was where I lived, and I did what I had to just to get through the day. I wasn’t praying, fulfilling my missionary duties, or following rules, like only being on my phone for 30 minutes a day. I did my best to care for my missionary sisters, as I knew that was my most precious duty, but had little to give. One morning, I hit rock bottom when I slipped on ice and fell, spilling my cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee. I screamed a choice word into the sky, and cried into the snow, because I’d lost the one thing that brought me a bit of joy. These first months of the new year were the closest I’ve ever come to completely giving up on my faith.
But there was a little seed deep in my heart that wouldn’t let me quit completely.
In March, I had the glorious gift of going on tour after staying back and working in the mission office for four months. Spending time with my team and being able to meet new people was life-giving. While I refrained from praying over anyone, as I knew it would be fake, it was a gift to see our mission give hope to others. After the tour, little joys began occurring again, and my spirits started to lift.
That weekend, the nation began shutting down due to COVID-19. As my teammates began considering going home, I realized I was being given an opportunity. If I stayed, I would continue to struggle with despair, and if I went home, I’d be able to start over and spend time with my family. It was hard to leave early, as I had committed to spending two years as a missionary. However, Jesus gave me peace that I wasn’t giving up, but rather accepting that it was my time to leave.
Once I got home, the world was in quarantine. He had rescued me and brought me to a peaceful little oasis where I had plenty of time to rest, process, and regain my foundation in Jesus. Gratitude for this gift was my first step toward Him.
I knew that learning to trust Jesus was most important, so I began praying the Litany of Trust (written by the Sisters of Life) daily. This simple little prayer was the foundation for my growth. It lists all the lies we believe and then asks for deliverance.
From the fear that trusting You
Will leave me more destitute
Deliver me, Jesus.
It goes on to list the truth about ourselves and Jesus and affirming that we trust in Him.
That you always hear me and in
Your goodness always respond to me
Jesus, I trust in You.
At first, I didn’t believe it when I said “Jesus, I trust in You,” but I desired to trust in Him. All I had left within me was a desire to grow closer to Him. Watching Sunday Mass online made me miss going, something which I had only tolerated in the previous months.
I began spending intentional time journaling, reading Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Fr. Gaitley, and listening to worship music. Jesus would put a song in my mind, then when I hit shuffle on my Spotify prayer playlist, that song would come up. In this way, He was showing me through little joys that He was trustworthy. For so long I had been living in survival mode, but He was helping me to start thriving through prayer, self-care, and time with my family.
Throughout the summer, He continued to show me that He truly loved me, and in August I started school at Franciscan University: my dream college. This past semester, He has continued to show me He is so worthy to be trusted. He gave me a community of women, a dorm with a chapel, and even blessed us FUS students with a Chris Renzema concert! He healed me in ways that I didn’t think He worked. I always struggled with praise and worship sessions, but at one session, I let go in a way I never had before, and He freed my heart from so many hurts I had felt over the past two years. On the last weekend before the break, He healed me from my issues with gluten and dairy through prayer teams! 2020 has been a wild ride for everyone, but Jesus is so, so good!
I started out the year in a bad place spiritually, but now my relationship with Jesus is better than it has EVER been. One of my favorite Bible verses is Psalm 28:7, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth, and with my song, I will praise Him.” Wherever you are in your faith, He can and WILL do anything to bring you closer to Him. Learn to trust in Jesus. Ask Him to show you how to trust in Him, and He will help you
