OCD is more than you think
By: Courtney Abbe
It is late August of 2018, I am taking a leap of faith after being in recovery from some agoraphobic tendencies and severe anxiety. I had just finished a year of working and am feeling as if God is calling me to go back to school. Fast forward a little bit into my first semester at a new college – the anxiety is intense... the most intense. My experience thus far was awful. I could not eat or focus. Doing my schoolwork made my heart race. I felt like an outcast at school after having a professor tell me to withdraw from his class when I confronted him about his curriculum interfering with my faith. It was all stress and confusion.
I will never forget driving home after a team bonding event at work - I was finally feeling uplifted after spending time with friends. That was until I hit a bump in the road (literally). Suddenly my brain felt different – I was convinced I had run someone over. I remember looking in my mirror and seeing nothing but darkness behind me. I arrived home and felt like I had left my body and entered into a new, worse, version of it.
That was the first time I can remember experiencing OCD... and I had no idea.
The Nitty-Gritty and Rock Bottom
My mind progressed into chaos. Every day I was met with a new proposal of terror. Suddenly I was the world’s worst nightmare. Everything I said or did I was convinced was hurting someone and I couldn’t let it go until I apologized. Events from my past did not make sense anymore and I had to run them through my mind over and over again until I convinced myself that I hadn’t done something horrific. I ended up suffering panic attacks on a weekly basis. They became so awful and so prolonged that my parents took me to the hospital when the worst one wouldn’t give up. I will forever be grateful to those amazing people that cared for me that night.
Where Faith and OCD Meet
Let’s talk about scrupulosity and “religious OCD.” As someone who went through a period of going to confession multiple times a week (sometimes for sins I didn’t even commit), I can tell you that scrupulosity is the devil. It took my faith and made it my biggest fear. It convinced me that if I approached the alter and received Jesus then I would get sick and die because I was unworthy. The littlest mistake that I made was the most impure thing on the planet. Scrupulosity tried to ruin my relationship with Jesus and yet He reached down and pulled me out. Scrupulosity tried to ruin my faith, and yet it made it stronger. Scrupulosity is a serious problem and a mental health issue.
If this topic is hitting you right now, just know that God loves you and the devil is a cunning liar. You are not alone and it is important to seek the proper help.
The God in it All
After the worst year and a half of my life and a whole lot of trial and error, I can confidently say that God has me on the upswing (praise Him). I have met amazing people that have helped me begin to rebuild my relationship with the Lord and He has restored a lot of the peace that I had lost. I would have never thought that I could be grateful for this struggle, but I am. God is my armor and this illness is my ammo. OCD is my cross and yet it is my purpose. I can either let it lie as something that wreaks havoc on my life or I can use it to help those that suffer like me. With all that being said, my final request is that you, reader, do a little research on what OCD truly is and pray for those who suffer in silence.
Bio: Courtney Abbe is a 24 year old college student double majoring in Creative Writing and English. She is a twice published screenwriter, a mental health advocate, and a lover of Jesus. You can find more of her writing at: https://crawriting.wordpress.com/
Other links: https://www.instagram.com/courtroseabbe/
