Pregnancy Testimony
By: Lydia Gonzalez
June 2019 will always stand out in my life, for that was the month I had my miscarriage. This is a tough subject and may be difficult for some to read, but I encourage anyone who’s reading this to push through and reflect on God’s presence in our lives, even in the darkest moments.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was so excited! I was four months into my marriage and my husband and I were eager to start our family. We cried with joy and immediately made an appointment with my OBGYN. The next two weeks went by so slowly, but I was so anxious to hear our little baby’s heartbeat and possibly see him or her for the first time!
The day finally arrived, but it did not go as we had hoped. The doctor tried a bedside ultrasound, not able to see anything. She tried to find a heartbeat, but could not. We held onto the hope that I wasn’t as far along as we initially thought and that at the next appointment, we’d see our baby. Two weeks later, we were back with the doctor. This time she sees something! A teeny, tiny little something. There really wasn’t much to see, but I felt so much love in that moment. Then we checked for a heartbeat, but there was none. I was devastated. My pregnancy hormone levels were high, so I prayed for a miracle, but the doctor warned us that this pregnancy would more than likely end in miscarriage.
The next appointment was horribly depressing. I watched so many pregnant women walking in and out of the clinic as I sat in the waiting room. I prayed so hard for good news, and I cried in the exam room waiting for the doctor, begging God to bring this baby back to life. Alas, the appointment went just as the previous ones had. No heartbeat. The doctor gently talked to me and warned me of what was to come. Blood, cramps, tissue, and more. But nothing she said could have possibly prepared me for what happened.
Not long after that I woke up with severe cramping. My husband had already left for work and I was completely alone. The cramping would come and go, and it would feel like the pain experienced during childbirth. There is nothing in the world that will ever compare to that physical torture, but the mental pain of knowing what was happening and the spiritual pain of feeling like God had abandoned me was crushing. I remember this day vividly. Pacing throughout the house gritting my teeth in pain. And running to the bathroom, either to vomit or because the bleeding got too heavy, constantly crying.
At one point I punched the wall of the bathroom and cried out to God, begging Him to come to my aid and take this cross away from me. The tears wouldn’t stop, and the contractions wouldn’t stop either. Finally, I went outside, hoping some fresh air might make me feel a bit better. As I stood outside, feeling the slight breeze, Thinking it was just another clot of blood, I went into the bathroom and got ready to change. What I saw when I was sitting on the toilet looking down took my breath away. There was my baby. It wasn’t just a clump of blood and cells, it was a baby. Tiny, but recognizable. Two little dark spots for eyes, two little nub arms, and two little nub legs. I just sat there holding this teeny little baby and cried. I’m not sure how long I sat there crying, holding my child, but it felt like forever. After it was all finally over, I laid on the floor and cried. I remember asking Mary to be with me, praying a Hail Mary, and I fell asleep.
The weeks that followed flew by. I was extremely depressed and I never felt further from God. Nothing made me feel better and I felt completely alone. My sweet husband continued encouraging me through it all, reminding me that God had a plan. I never fully felt like I got closure until the funeral. My brother, who’s wife also had a miscarriage, told me that they had a funeral and it helped them move on. So I reached out to our pastor and asked if that was something we could do. It was a quiet ceremony, close family only, but it was beautiful. During that Mass, for the first time in weeks, I felt God’s love, and I felt him telling me that everything would be okay. He had my baby now and I needed to trust that He knew what He was doing. I finally had some closure and was actually able to start living my life again.
A few months later, we found out that once again we were pregnant! Again I prayed that this would be a healthy pregnancy, and it was! June 2020 came and I had my beautiful son. A month that had such a horrible memory in my mind now has one of my best memories. God has been so good to me! I may not understand why he called my first baby to be with Him before I got to meet him, but I do know I wouldn’t be where I am now if it weren’t for that experience. I now look back and see the mercy of God in that situation. I could’ve easily bled my baby out into the toilet, but instead, I got the chance to hold him and see him. For that and so much more I am grateful. God is good!
