A thought occurred to me, to what end? Why was I actually doing all these things? I saw how fast I had gone from my wrestling season being over right into trying to achieve the next thing. If I couldn’t be perfect in that area, I might as well go be perfect somewhere else right? For the first time, I realized that there was no satisfaction in any of those things I had been trying so hard to achieve. I finally got everything I wanted. Yet still, there was something lacking in me.

My math teacher was a gorgeous, smart, tall woman. She was everything I wanted to be. Looking back, I realized I didn’t desire to be like her because of her looks or skills; it was her hope and how she knew she was loved; it was a hope I didn’t have and a love I thought I didn’t deserve.