Overwhelming

By: Missionary Team

!If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts please seek help from your school counselor, parents, and/or a trusted adult. At the bottom of this blog is an anonymous hotline and websites that you can also contact for more help!

You breathe deeply but shakily. Goosebumps and chills break out all over your body. Tears stream down your cheek. Rocking back and forth in the darkness your leg bounces up and down. You wrap your arms around yourself tightly as if it were the hug that you wish someone could give you but are too afraid to ask for. Out of the darkness, a familiar voice speaks to you... It’s not a comforting one. The voice whispers “You're a nobody”, “You only cause problems”, “You're a F*ck up”, “ How could anyone ever love YOU?” The voice starts to bombard your thoughts and snowball into much worse and darker phrases, they come so fast and frequent that it becomes overwhelming and impossible to deny them or tone them out. It keeps speaking to you words like: “No one would miss you if you were gone”, “What if you killed yourself”, “It’d be so relieving to just go”, “Everyone would be better off if you were dead and gone”, “Don’t be a pushover! Just kill yourself!”

Please don’t click away yet keep reading this blog and you may gain some solid insight into how God can save your life!

The situation described above is one I found myself in more times than I could count. Some nights the thoughts would be so overpowering and aggressive that they would lead me to act in accordance with what they were driving me to do. By the grace of God I was never successful; but for 132 Americans each day these thoughts overtake them and they succeed at one of the greatest tragedies known to man: suicide. Thoughts like these are something that I have struggled with since about the 7th grade. Sometimes they still attack me, but through the power of our Lord, countless hours of prayers, and phenomenal support I am much more able to combat these thoughts. Furthermore, I haven't attempted to act on them in over a year. Keep in mind as you read my advice on this blog that I am not a specialist. I'm just a teenager striving to write down what I learned from my experience with suicidal thoughts. What follows are a few of the things that helped me through this cross of mine, it is either advice from someone else or advice I wish someone had given me.

Before I get much deeper into this article I would like to be very clear that suicidal thoughts are not your own cognition or from the mouth of God, rather they are the words and will of Satan. When one gives into these thoughts or even entertains them it is following the will of the enemy.

Knowing what's real
Something that people with suicidal thoughts tend to struggle with is the distortion of reality. I definitely didn't want to admit this and I'm sure if you are reading this and you have this struggle you don’t want to admit it either. But be honest: are you too hard on yourself? For me, I am a brutally honest person; however, when it comes to self-critique I know I am so insanely hard on myself that I oftentimes exaggerate. This exaggeration turns into lies and negative thoughts. I know for many people who struggle with suicidal ideations or even negative thoughts many times what is going through their head isn’t a reality, but they have convinced themselves that it is the truth. Something that is SO SO SO important is the discernment of these thoughts. One of the gifts of the holy spirit is the discernment of spirit (read more about the gifts of the holy spirit in Corinthians chapter 12, but finish reading this blog first! :)). A verse that people with suicidal ideations MUST live by is 1 John 4:1 which says: “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.” When our heads are filled with these bad notions and ideals we must immediately pray for discernment of spirit in order to really understand if the things we are thinking are of God (truth) or from Lucifer (lies and twisting of truth).

One thing I did to help with my discernment of spirit, aside from prayer, is just pick one thought I was having and text a friend, parent, sibling, teacher, trusted adult, or anyone who knew me well and ask: “Hey do you think that I’m a mess up?” Nine out of ten times you won’t even send that text because you will realize how foolish of a thought it is and how far from the truth the notion is. Remember you’re amazing and God made you and He doesn’t mess up, so if you ever say “ I’m a mess up” it’s a lie because God doesn't mess up!

Life is Bigger than Just You
It's not you against everyone. The universe isn’t “out to get you”. You're not alone. And no, the world wouldn't be better off without you. It took a lot of honesty and prayer for me to realize all the support at my fingertips. For me personally, I started thinking about suicide and having these thoughts when a close friend of mine ended their life. PEOPLE! BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THIS: YOU ARE AMAZING! Whether you like it or not, what you do has an impact on others because WHO you are is amazing. If you weren't amazing, what you do wouldn't matter. But If you can ever take the time to step back and really reflect on the people in your life you have touched and affected, you'll understand this. If you were to die it will affect someone. ESPECIALLY if it’s by suicide. If nothing else let the idea of “It would hurt people if I did this'' prevent you from dwelling too much on a suicidal line of thinking. This goes back to the distortion of reality. In our brains, our thoughts can get twisted to make us believe that if we died people would be better off. When in reality committing suicide would be an act that would hurt people more than we can fathom in the long run.

A Grievous Sin
Suicide is a very sensitive topic. This explains why the church's teaching on it is rather hidden and not taught often. I didn't even realize how terrible it was to take one's own life until after I had already tried several times. The church’s teaching however is clear. Suicide is the most grievous sin second only to blasphemy of the holy spirit. The reason for this is quite simple. It is murder. But it is a murder where you have no chance for forgiveness if you are successful. Even murders can come back to the love of God. But by committing suicide you are committing murder which is a mortal sin. Mortal sin cuts you off from the Love of God, through confession we can be reunited with the love of Christ but how are you supposed to go to confession when you're dead? Exactly you can't.

For many people suicide is the “Great relief.” I use to be so tempted to end my own life and always entertained suicidal thoughts because I assumed that when my life was over I would go to heaven and my suffering would finally be over. This is wrong! It is true that some people who commit suicide go to purgatory, but this is only under very unconventional circumstances. Remember that the sufferings we will endure in purgatory and the tortures from the fires of hell are far worse than anything we endure on earth. In essence killing, yourself would actually be no relief at all because it is extremely likely that you would be forever separated from the love of God. However, If you know someone who committed suicide please do not stop praying for their soul! We must have faith in God's mercy and that he will still show his love to the past death.

Have hope that those who committed suicide were not of sound mind and that God will recognize this, we must also pray that they had a slow death in order to allow them to make perfect contrition. I know this teaching can be a lot. I rejected it the first time I heard it because it made me so sad to think that I could have friends suffering in Gehenna. Nevertheless do not assume where they are going we can never fully comprehend God's mercy so it is not up to us to determine whether they are in heaven hell or purgatory. But if you have any sense at all you won’t take the chance, for God is not just a merciful Father but also the Just Judge.

Don't entertain them
Suicide, in a way, can be compared to sexual sins. To have a fleeting thought is not a sin. However, to entertain those thoughts or to act on them is nothing short of a tragedy. Just as with sexual sins, the more one dwells on the thought of it the more likely they will be tempted to act on them. So in short, GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD! It helps no one but the Devil to dwell on such ideations. God made you Amazing and beautiful - there is no arguing with it. You are His greatest most precious and most loved work whether you like it or not! Isaiah 43:4 reads “Because you are precious and honored in my eyes and because I love you I would give NATIONS in exchange for you and whole PEOPLES in exchange for your life.” God loves you and desires you so desperately. Do not cut yourself off from his love, but rather open yourself to Him. Leave no room for Satan. Many times in the bible Satan tries to tempt different figures to kill themselves, even Jesus (Mathew 4:6). Giving in to the temptation to commit suicide is the devil’s goal, do not give in to Satan’s will! Furthermore, let your will and desires become Christ's will and desires. Lay yourself down before God. Give Jesus your whole self. Ask our Lord to intertwine both his will and your will. Completely surrender yourself each day, to the will of our heavenly Father. When you do this, not even the most powerful thoughts will be too overwhelming. Through Jesus all things are possible, never forget these words.

Prayer:
St. Benedict wrote a prayer for the Benedictines that is inscribed on their medal that is very fitting for people who struggle with strong temptations such as suicidal thoughts. Any time you feel the temptation to suicide or the thoughts fill your brain that you aren’t enough as soon as you recognize this temptation I would highly recommend praying this prayer:

“Let the Holy cross be my light,
May the dragon never be my guide.
Begone, Satan!
Do not tempt me to thy vanities
Evil are the things you offer me,
Drink the poison yourself!”

Suicide Hot Line: 800 273 8255