The Truth About Friendship
By: Missionary Team
Colossians 3:12-14
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
Friendship is hard! The last thing I want to do most days is to clothe myself with kindness, compassion, humility, and gentleness! What was St. Paul thinking when he wrote that verse in Colossians? Surely, he can’t understand how people actually are sometimes...
Expectations:
I’ve always had a desire to have friends, but somehow, I always end up feeling let down or disappointed in my friendships. When I was in my late teens, I usually felt like no one wanted me around and that I was annoying. At gatherings, I would smile and confidently make everyone laugh, but when I went home, I would cry myself to sleep. As hot tears streamed down my face and I tried to quiet my sobs in order to not wake anyone, I would think to myself “what’s wrong with me?
”I experienced some hurtful rejection from friends in the past few years. I was the only one in a friend group not invited to be in a wedding, I wasn’t welcomed in certain groups. I wasn’t cool enough for the cool kids, and I wasn’t conservative enough for the good kids. I put up a strong front and pretended I was a happy teen when in reality I would revert to my lonely tears.
Somewhat recently, I built strong friendships with some great girls. We laughed and cried together. We shared our deepest joys and sorrows. I thought I was over the hump, so to speak, and when the fears or lies of not fitting in came up, I tried to push them away. Unfortunately, a betrayal occurred in the group, and all the feelings of inadequacy and rejection rushed back from my past. What I thought I had gotten over, was back in full force, and let’s say I was more than a little disappointed. I had some harsh anger and hurt, and a definite lack of the virtues listed in Colossians chapter 6!
I’ve been reflecting and something needs to change, or I will continue to be hurt, let down, and angry that I can’t seem to have good friends. I think that change is adjusting my expectations. My whole life I’ve expected others to not let me down, for friends to be faithful, for them to understand me and want me in their lives. The problem is that’s not reality. It’s hard for me to accept, but the truth is that I let people down too.
Truth:
I’m realizing no one (not even myself) can be a perfect friend or never hurt someone. No one except Jesus. Jesus relates to me when I feel unwanted, used, and to have people walk over me. It’s lonely to not know how to fit in or speak up for yourself. It’s especially hard for those of us who are really good at hiding how we truly feel underneath our smiles. But the good news is that Jesus is close in those times.
I am thankful that because I’ve been rejected as a friend, it makes me a better friend. When you are someone that’s been hurt, it makes you a better friend. The best friends are those that have been rejected. If you’re one of those people, know that your sensitive heart is a result of the gift of rejection.
Sounds crazy, right? I battle daily, but my goal is that my expectations of people are lower, and my expectations of Jesus are higher. I can rely on God to be a faithful friend. He sends tangible signs in the smallest ways, letting me know that I matter to him. When I get discouraged about my friendships, I need to be more grateful and see him in the small things. (A kind word from a co-worker, an appreciative family member, a smile from someone).
An easy trap to fall into is isolating yourself in times of hurt or pain in friendships. I know for me; I want to self-protect and close in on myself, so I won’t get hurt again. The danger in that is that I am not doing as Jesus did. He didn’t if we are treated right. No, Heis saying to bear with one another and to forgive regardless of the circumstances. That’s being like Jesus –He does this every day!
The truth is, I need people. Isolation, silence, and self-protection are not the answer to my friendship issues. When I give in to these things, I am not being authentic with others, and I am not allowing people to love me in my brokenness. I recently experienced a time when I was scared to be real with someone, but I did. Because my intention was to love this person and to be honest with my own weaknesses, I now feel closer to this person, and our friendship is growing tighter.
Looking Forward:
Expecting to have many friends can be natural, but according to a study done by Fox News, the average American has three friends for life, five people they really like and would hang out with one-on-one, and eight people they like but don’t spend time with one-on-one or seek out. (https://www.foxnews.com/lifestyle/american-number-actual-friends-study-determines). Finding this out helps me to be thankful for the friends I do have, and to lower my lofty expectations for friendships.
Little by little I am learning to have hope for my future relationships. The more I am authentic with myself and others, the freer I will be. The more I let down the walls of fear and self-protection, the more I leave room for Jesus and the plan he has for me. It’s really scary, but I know that it’s worth it!
Sometimes I still cry those familiar tears into my pillow. But now I feel closer to Jesus than when I was a teenager because I know He is good and wants good for me. He will bring good from my suffering, and with every new day, I have a chance to connect with someone who feels the same. The whispers of truth can be louder than the lie that I am friendless. God whispers “you are loved, I see you, and I will heal the world through you”
Reflection Questions:
Who in my life do I have high expectations for? Are they too high and can I dial them back and put my hope in Jesus?
How has God shown me his friendship today? (Through the bible, through someone else, etc.)
The next time I feel rejected and friendless, who can I reach out to that needs my encouragement?
Action:
Take a risk with someone you want to be closer to and be real about what you are struggling with. Make sure that your intention is to love that person and to humbly admit your own faults and go for it!
Prayer:
Jesus, I know that you are my true friend. Help me to put my trust and my worth in you, no matter how my friendships seem to be going. Help me to have proper expectations for others, and to be thankful for the ways that I am loved. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me an example of how to love no matter what. I need your help to love people as you love them. Help me today to focus on others and not myself.
