He didn’t love me
By: Missionary Team
When I was a teenager, I wasn’t one to get into relationships. It felt like I was just “one of the guys” in a lot of my friendships. I was the athletic girl who was “just friends” with all the guys. However, I became the girl that was getting emotionally attached to these boys but didn’t realize it. Guys in school didn’t even pursue a romantic relationship with me because I was often just friend-zoned in every relationship. That is until I became “best friends” with this one specific guy.
This guy was the class clown, the football player, the teacher’s favorite, and everyone loved him. He was kind, made everyone laugh, and was pretty cute. He was my best friend, and he stayed that way for all of our teenage years. Early on in our friendship, he would tell me that we were “end game,” but the time to be boyfriend and girlfriend wasn’t then. Our conversations were often, talking about different relationships, sports, vulnerabilities, hurts, and our dreams of getting out of our small little town. Over the years, our platonic friendship started to blossom into something more, something unspoken, but something that felt so real because I never forgot that mention of “end game.” Sparks would fly often, but that “friend zone” label remained, so neither of us made the move.
Fast forward some years and we’re young adults finding our way through college. We didn’t talk or see each other as much, but every time we did it was like we were 14 years old again. We were familiar with each other and we believed we would always be part of each other's life. Every time we spent time together, sparks would fly more and more. Then one day, after years of waiting, he finally made the move. HE MADE THE MOVE! And my heart jumped, filled with hope, joy, and excitement about the possibility of forever.
What I didn’t know at that moment was that he had a new girlfriend waiting for him back at his college a week later. What I didn’t know at that moment was he was acting off of emotions in a moment and he didn’t put much thought into our history or our future. What I didn’t know at that moment was that neither of us was ready to be in a committed and healthy relationship. What I didn’t know at that moment was that, after years of such vulnerability and emotional intimacy, our relationship had become mutually toxic. What I didn’t know at that moment was that I shouldn’t have waited around so long for this guy to make his move. What I didn’t know at that moment was that he didn’t love me.
He didn’t love me.
He didn’t love me because he didn’t know how. His “promise” of endgame wasn’t his to give as a 14-year-old boy. Six years later, my heart jumped for the idea of our endgame finally starting, but that wasn’t mine to hold onto. He wasn’t ready for that and neither was I. I think the damage had been done over time and there was never really hope for an endgame for either of us.
After this boy made his move, I never really heard from him ever again - that nearly ten years of friendship gone in a moment. I’d hoped that this was going to change my life forever, which it did, but not in the way I envisioned. My life didn’t turn into an endgame with marriage on the horizon. Instead, I lost my best guy friend and, around the same time, I temporarily lost my best female friend, but that’s a story for another time. I fell into a great depression, anxiety, isolation, and So. Much. Shame. This moment in my life changed who I was forever. It shook the identity that I once had, and brought me to a true identity.
I wish I would have known that I was a daughter of the Creator of the Universe. I mean, I wish I really knew that in the depths of my soul that my Father in Heaven wants and has the BEST plan, person, and life in store for me. I’d like to think that if I knew that, my heart wouldn’t have broken so bad. However, that broken heart was the best thing to happen to me because it brought me to my Father, my Creator, and my Savior. It took time to heal, it took time to grow, and it took time to see that time clearly. That broken heart changed my life for the better. My identity didn’t have to be attached to that boy anymore, instead, my identity became my One True Identity - an amazing Daughter of the King of the Universe.
If you’re reading this and you’re young, remember the following:
1. You are AMAZING. That is your IDENTITY. No one can change that or take that from you.
2. GUARD. YOUR. HEART. Be kind, not cold, but guard it because it is so precious and deserves to be known by God first and then the one who God sends to you.
3. Make. That. Boy. WORK. Reject him. It’s a good formation for him. And if he’s the right guy, he’ll come back.
4. Make a list of what VIRTUE you want in a future spouse, and if that boy doesn’t prove (not just says but PROVES) that he lives EVERY virtue on your list, get him outta here. God won’t give you someone that is 90% for you, he’s going to give you someone that is 100% for you.
5. Be patient, and in the meantime, build solid women friendships, spend time with your family, and get to know God as your Father through prayer, scripture, journaling, music, etc.
6. Be courageous, be fearless, and be the Daughter you are made to be.
That boy didn’t love me, but God the Father DOES love me, and that’s what matters the most.
